The Packing Solution

A trip to the farm was not something that appeared on the kitchen calendar after a family planning session. It was always wonderful, but it just up and happened. My father would call home toward the middle of the day on a Friday and announce to Martha that we were off to Knox County. As soon as elementary school turned out, I would be piled int the back of the car, rushed home and shortly thereafter, off we would go, speeding east out of New Mexico toward my aunt and uncle’s farm in Texas. 

It was about a 5-hour trek. If we got going quickly and only stopped once for a bathroom break, then we got there in time for a late meal.  Course, when you crossed the New Mexico/Texas border you automatically lost an hour. So supper was going to be late, no matter how fast we went. The time change seemed to fuel my Dad’s focus on getting out the door. 

“It’s 4:30 in Texas!” he would holler out to no one in particular, as he waited at the back door for my mother to get whatever we needed to travel with.

Once, after we had got going and were traveling down the road, I heard her say to him:

“Bill, scooting out the backdoor on short notice for several nights in Knox County isn’t like running into town for an ice cream cone at Dairy Queen. Things have to be collected and packed. The car has to be taken care of. I have to get a snack packed and coffee made for the thermos. And you don’t give me any warning.”

He listened and then said quietly, “You make too much of all this, Sugar. When I call and say we are going to the farm just get yourself and the boy together and I’ll take care of the rest.”

There was a long pause before my mother responded: “Okay, fine.”

My Dad never seemed to get that phrase. They were married almost half a century. I never saw him snap on the reality that “okay, fine” actually meant that retaliation was looming. He never got this. Never. Well, he wasn’t getting it this time either.

It was on our next trip to the farm, some months down the way, when the ax fell on my father. 

I came out the backdoor of Will Rogers Elementary at the final bell and there my mother was in the car parked along the curb in approximately the usual place. I remember vaguely having a plan to go down the road to one of my bud’s house to ride bikes after getting home.

“No,” mother said. “We’re off to the farm.” 

That was fine with me. I loved to go.

I immediately noticed a difference in my mother as she drove us home. She was remarkably pleasant. Absent was the kind of tension that always came with the scurrying about that was required to get us off on these trips. She asked about my day and listened attentively.  We talked about the books I would need to take on the trip because, farm or no farm, I would have to get my homework addressed over the weekend.

When we got to the house I expected to be told to get out of the way, so she could tilt around the house like a whirlwind before my Dad rolled in. It didn’t happen. We walked in the back door, she went down the hall and shortly emerged with her small travel bag and a little cosmetics container that she always called her ditty bag.

She then turned her attention to putting together my little suitcase. She even called me into my room where she was working and very pleasantly engaged me in conversation about what I would like to wear.

After we packed my little bag she said, “Let’s have a cool drink and wait for your Daddy to get here.” We retired to the kitchen and she poured us both a tall glass of iced tea. I sat at the table and watched her calmly drink her tea and smoke a cigarette. 

Presently we heard my father’s old work car leave the pavement and roll up the dirt and gravel road to the back door.  At these sounds she began to clear the table and tidy up the sink area. When he walked in the back door, she had finished and collected our things. We stood ready to depart. 

My father breezed right past us with hardly a glance on the way to the bathroom. When he returned, my mother had installed me in the backseat of the car and the little dab of luggage was tucked away in the trunk. She stood outside the car and smoked another cigarette.

Coming out the backdoor, my Father had a puzzled look on his face. He looked at her and she said, “Lock that back door. There’s the boy and I’ve got what I need.”

For just a moment he looked startled. But that passed quickly. He locked the back door and scurried down the steps and into the car. We were on our way toward Texas.

We had just rolled into Seminole, not far over the Texas line, getting ready for the longer run over to Snyder when my Dad happened to glance at the fuel gauge. He was surprised to notice that it didn’t indicate full. 

“Gas gauge says we’re nearly out of gas,” he exclaimed. He then looked over at my mother with a kind of look that seemed to indicate that he expected some word of explanation would issue forth from her lips. But she simply continued to gaze out the window with a casual and serene countenance. 

He pulled into the Conoco station on the outskirts of town. I slipped out of the back seat and found the rest room. I didn’t need to go all that much, but when my Dad was driving on trips you didn’t want to pass up an opportunity. My mother stayed in the car. Shortly, we pulled out of the station and the trip was resumed.

Another hour into the trip and we were really into rural country. It was dinner time now, and my Father asked for his thermos of coffee. And maybe it was time to have a sandwich? Martha said there wasn’t any.

Dad was puzzled. Nothing? Really?

Martha shrugged and looked out her window.

I could tell Dad was puzzled and working on how this turn of events came to be. I watched him carefully. He just kept staring straight out the window, watching the road. But his hands were working on the wheel in an agitated manner. He finally took a plentiful breath, gave a long exhaling “well” and then lapsed into silence. We were all quiet now.

Finally he announced, “We’re almost to Snyder, and I’m hungry. Guess we’ll stop there and get a little something. How would that be, Shorty?”

I was enthusiastic, of course. A second stop on a trip was unprecedented, let alone getting to eat out somewhere.

We made to the farm about an hour and a half later than usual and settled in for the night right after.

I came around the corner into the kitchen the next morning to find my father sitting at the table, cup of coffee in hand and a perplexed kind of look on his face.  My uncle, Charles Meek, sat on the other side of the table with his chair tilted back against the wall, his arms folded across his chest, grinning like a Cheshire cat. Aunt Gladys was at the stove and Martha was serving biscuits onto the table. 

Bill looked up at her and said, “You didn’t bring any of my things?  Nothing?”

“Well, like I said, no, I didn’t bring any of your things.”

My Dad turned his face and gazed at his brother-in-law who, still grinning, nodded almost imperceptibly.

My Mother continued, “Bill, you told me to get myself and the boy in the car with whatever we needed, and you would take care of the rest.”

“Well,” my Dad said and then just let that word hang in the air like an orphan.

“You know,” my uncle offered, “it sure is nice to have a wife who will obey.” He continued to grin broadly.

My Dad looked over at him and said quietly, “Yeah.” Then, “A blessing sure enough.”

Aunt Gladys approached the table with the eggs while my mom got the rest of the things in place. “You boys eat some breakfast and we’ll get you outfitted while Charles is out tending to chores” my aunt directed.

By now I had taken my place at the table and noticed my Dad was wearing the same clothes he had driven down in, that he needed a shave, and that his hair wasn’t all that tidy. But he was quite a sight to see once he had been equipped with a new wardrobe and kit for the weekend!

Dad usually wore his fishing cap, which was really an old ball cap that was stashed in his tackle box which was, of course, back in the storeroom at home. One of Uncle Charles’ straw work hats fit after a fashion.

A cotton work shirt, again from Charles’ closet, was pressed into action. It served but did not fit all that well.  It was more than big enough around the chest and girth. Charles was a stockier man than Bill Pharis. He was a good deal shorter as well. So, the shirt was bigger and baggier than needed, and the sleeves were short. Real short. That was remedied by simply rolling up the sleeves.

It was not so easy to disguise the height and weight differential when it came to trousers. Charles had plenty of denim work pants not being used. But the same challenge had to be faced as with the shirt. The waist was plenty ample. Gladys produced a length of rope that allowed Bill to cinch up the waist. But the legs were a different matter.

“Why you look pretty good in pedal pushers, Bill,” chortled Charles when Bill appeared from the bedroom with breeches legs that barely covered his calves. He still had his long black socks on that he had worn to work the day before, so these covered up the exposed part of his legs. 

It was spring so no jacket was required.

The problem of shoes could not be fixed. Bill had exceptionally long and narrow feet. He would simply have to make do with his dress shoes he had worn down. 

“Let’s look on the bright side,” he said to Charles.  “Man can’t do chores in dress shoes.”

“Fair enough” Charles said with a grin.  “Don’t want to see you sloshing around near the hog trough in those” pointing at his shoes. 

The process was complete when Gladys produced a toothbrush still packaged up which she had back in the closet. Bill and Charles could share a razor.

On Saturday afternoon Bill, my uncle and I piled into the truck and went down to Paul’s Store to pick up some bait before heading over to Lake Kemp for some fishing.

My Dad’s dress caught Paul’s attention the minute we walked through the door, but he didn’t say anything. Charles just grinned when he caught Paul eyeing my Dad. “Town folk dress funny,” Charles remarked. 

My Dad took the invitation to tell the tale. The men all joined in commiserating about the challenge of dealing with wives.  They ended the whole thing with the old proverb: “women — can’t live with them and can’t live without them.” It was good natured. 

The next time an occasion to go to the farm presented itself, my Dad’s approach was a good deal different. 

It was a Monday morning at breakfast. My Dad said to my Mom as he was reaching for another biscuit, “I’m thinking about calling Charles and seeing if he could do a little fishing this weekend if we ran over there. What do you think?” 

Mom looked thoughtful for a moment. “You talking about going on Friday after work?”

“That’s my thinking,” Dad said.

“I believe we could,” she said.

“You up for that, Shorty?” my Dad asked me.

“You know it.”

“Good,” my mother said. “It’s settled. I’ll have everything packed and ready when you get in on Friday.” 

Grandma Vinnie

grandma vinnie
This is us. There is a lot of hair under that hat, I swear.

I have a clear memory of my Grandmother Vinnie sitting at the dressing table in our guest bedroom, brushing her exceptionally long gray hair. It was fascinating to watch this process, and I did it almost every day when she visited.  After the brushing, she would go through the process of winding it up into a bun that set demurely on the top of her head. I was always astounded that hair that came all the way down to her waist could be tucked up into such a small package.

I no longer have a clear memory of how our game got started. It is simply there full grown in my mind. I would know it was coming, because instead of winding her hair up, she would rat it into a startling sight. Her hair became a huge bush that had suddenly been stuck into a light socket and the switch thrown. She would rise from her dressing table and slowly creep about with both hands out as if she were flying in slow motion.  She would stoop over and look up from under her bush of hair.

She would make this low noise, “Oooooooooooh” but it was not a long ‘o,’ it was more of a ‘u’ sound, like “youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.” Then she would start to move slowly around as if she was coming to get me. I would shriek and flee, only to sneak back shortly, peering around a door frame or down the hall, waiting to see if she was going to find me.  Having affirmed the chase was afoot, I would giggle, scream, and run again. All of this would go on until I was exhausted. She would call the game to a halt, return to her dressing stool and transform from the Old Witch back in to my Grandmother.

One morning, the game had worked us around into the kitchen. I grabbed a broom by the bristles and poked playfully at the Old Witch. I wasn’t trying to hurt her at all. I knew we were playing. But then, in the process of making a poke, I slipped, lurched forward, and (happily, I suppose) missed my Grandmother.

KA-THUNK!

This brought us both up short. The broom handle had popped a right clean hole in the drywall. My grandmother and I stared at it for a moment.

“Well,” Grandmother said quietly, almost under her breath. She calculated. She looked at me. “You go get on with cleaning up your room and leave this to me.”

I slunk to my bedroom on trembling knees. I knew my Father was not going to see the hole in the wall as an event. My recent activity around the homestead had produced a dark view regarding my cavorting around in him. He was going to see the hole in the wall as a continuation of a spree of marginal juvenile delinquency that needed to be ended. I knew the end of days were descending on me. Grandmother cleaned up the crime scene and went about the activities of her day, but I stayed in my room, wrote my will, and reflected on my short life.

My Mother got home from work around five o’clock and my Father just moments afterwards.

Sure enough, the hole in the wall drew him like a tractor beam. He did not take time to read the paper, smoke a cigarette, or drink a cup of coffee. He came to my room and said, “The bathroom. Now.” I marched to the execution chamber mechanically, feeling like seven years of age was too young to receive the death penalty.

When we turned into the bathroom, we pulled up short. Grandmother was right there in the little room, standing quietly. We were both surprised and a little embarrassed. We were afraid we had caught her in the middle of something bathroom-ish.

“Come on in,” she said pleasantly. “I was just waiting on you two.”

My Father seemed confused. He stumbled over his words, trying to explain. I remember the big words, like “culprit,” “deserve” and “punishment.” He stepped aside and seemed to think she would walk on out so he could close the door and throttle the suds out of me.

She stood utterly still.

She looked at my Father and said, as best I can recall, “Bill, Little Bit poked that hole in the wall in the kitchen and surely some kind of response is due. But that means I need to stay, because whatever punishment is determined needs to be administered to me as well. I was playing with him. We created that hole in the wall together.”

My father was flummoxed, hooked on the horns of dilemma. He would not spank Grandmother Vinnie. That wasn’t even close to being on the table. But the notion of letting me off the hook wasn’t something he could embrace. I watched intently. I could feel him thinking.

When he finally looked at her again, she offered, “Perhaps if we fixed the wall and took efforts to make sure this doesn’t happen again?”

“Oh, I could fix the wall without any trouble at all,” Dad said with a touch of pride in his voice.

“I know you could,” she said, and patted his arm. “But that’s not the point. We did the damage,” she said with a nod in my direction, “and we need to fix it.”

He relented. And that quickly, she moved us past the issue of whether or how some kind of corporal punishment was going to take place. The angels sang! I almost did a jig. Of course, I was giving no thought to how tough it would be to fix that wall. I was too busy watching the execution chamber fading away.

Falling Rocks

Meteor

As a boy, I spent my summers on a farm in Knox County, Texas belonging to my Uncle Charles and Aunt Gladys. There were many reasons I loved being there, but one of my favorite reasons was that we slept outside under the stars with some regularity. It was really hot in the summer, and the house never seemed to cool off. We slept in the yard to soak up enough coolness to be able to face the next day. It was practical.

For a boy like myself it was also an adventure. It was something different. It felt just a little dangerous out there in the wide open. And the stars were really, really pretty. Actually, I looked for almost any excuse to curl up outside.

Another reason I loved the farm was that my aunt and uncle subscribed to National Geographic. They saved back issues for me all year, and I loved digging through them. I would be engrossed in the wonderful maps for hours.

Of course, from time to time there would be an article about some faraway tribe replete with photographs featuring females who did not wear clothing covering the top half of their bodies. Of course, I took care that I was not seen examining these articles and attendant photographs. Of course, I always advertised that my sole interest in the periodical was the maps and the scientific content.

And it was true that I was fascinated with maps. And I did find the scientific content very interesting.

But I had committed an outright act of dishonesty by denying any knowledge of the semi-nude photographs. Lying and lusting. I knew I had an express ticket to hell. I had no intention of repenting. Really, I was going to hell.

This particular summer, I was perusing my favorite magazine when it was suddenly there in black and white. I read the words again to see if I had it right. Yep.  I had. It was true. It was a warning from National Geographic, and we all know this is a periodical to take seriously.

Apparently, the possibility existed that a person somewhere on the planet could actually get killed by a piece of meteorite that failed to burn up in the atmosphere. The odds were infinitesimally small. I mean, just barely in the range of possibility. But that’s all it took for me. I was off to the psychiatric races.

The article made it clear that I would not hear it coming and I may not be safe unless maybe I was in the bottom of Carlsbad Caverns. Basically, I could be just minding my own business and with no hint of warning an errant piece of rock could shoot down out of the sky faster than a freight train and kill me deader than dirt. There seemed to be no escape.

A few weeks later, Uncle Charles declared it a night for sleeping outside. All of the bedding was prepared and they were settling down when he asked where I was. I could hear him through the open window to my room, and I froze. I had been planning  on staying inside.

Aunt Gladys reported that I was not coming outside because I was afraid I would get hit by a meteor.

Uncle Charles, a farmer and engineer, a WWII veteran, intelligent and practical, pondered for a moment.  “Well that is kind of silly,” he said. “That roof wouldn’t even slow a meteor down.”

“Charles Amos,” Gladys hissed. “Really. You know how he is!” And I could hear that she was making for the house to check on me.

I was beyond horrified. I was about to panic. I gathered up my pillow and blanket. We met at the door. She saw me, my eyes wild. She stopped, held the door and let me pass.  I went straight to the cellar in the backyard we used for shelter from tornadoes.  It is where I slept for most of the rest of the summer.

I was going to hell for lying and lusting, and now I was certain the tool God was going to use was a confounded meteor.  But I wasn’t going to make it easy.